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[The present is startling relief from the crushing emotion pouring out of a distraught child. He still feels it like a physical thing, a vice-grip on his heart that's slowly easing, but the memory of Newton's heartbreak will linger.

His eyes are wet, and Hermann tugs up a cuff over his palm to forcibly dry them. He feels like a mess and it's too much, can't reach out to Newton because it might not be safe. But they're here, not lost, and that's enough for now.

And despite how much Newton looks like he's in need of it, he has no sympathy or assurances to give him. Not now, when he wants nothing more than to withdraw from the emotional tumult that is Newton and stabilize his own]

We are not.. doing that again.

[Hermann's tears are terrifyingly familiar and new and Newt starts crying then, too, overwhelmed by his own multitude of emotions. It's no resolution and he still wants to hide because, fuck, he's a wreck, he's such a wreck, what does Hermann think of him now? He's a disappointment and a screw up and, god Hermann don't cry, please don't. Newt doesn't have sorries enough--

But those words are an echoing gavel of finality and Newt can't take it. He hates and resents a door slammed in his face and instead of flight, Hermann kicks up the anger and fight still in him. It pisses him off--mostly because it is his own fault that they've hit this roadblock and he refuses to let it be his brain--he is NOT crazy--that makes this thing between them not work. Newt grabs a throw pillow and lobs it over Hermann's shoulder and towards the wall with something like a screech.]

FUCK NO! You are NOT the only vote here, Hermann, and that was MY memory, my fault! If I want to go again, we're going again! You do not get to be the only one this worked for-- If we didn't give up against the Kaiju, we're not giving up now.

[He impulsively reached for Hermann, sniffed, and managed an angry, teary determination.] Fuck it. Gimme your hand. I'll get it right.

[The pillow sails past him in a fit of either poor aim or some remnant of consideration. He's not sure which he prefers in the moment.

Hermann snatches his hand back and holds both of them against his chest, levels Newton with a glare that feels ineffective in the wake of tears. Other parts of him are easily within reach of course, and he doesn't know the extent of the rules about contact]

No, Newton! For god's sake, this isn't just about you. We're both volatile, and this was a terrible idea.

[He glares, more at Hermann's hands than at the man himself and wipes his nose on the back of his own hand.]

Why? Why's it terrible? Because I'm in here making a MESS, spilling my GUTS on your side of the brain-line?

It's only a terrible idea because it was MY idea and because it didn't just work. [Bitterly.] You always shit on my ideas. If it worked, it'd be an excellent idea and we'd be patting ourselves on the back-- !!

We're both volatile ALL THE TIME, Hermann. It's who we ARE. We worked with that before.

Because we were both put through a great deal of trauma not two days ago!

[Himself more than Newton, and he'd argue that was a bit worse than this experience]

And we've never dealt with it on this scale before. We don't know the worst-case scenario, and have nothing in place should something happen. This is me disagreeing with your methodology, because it's unnecessarily reckless.

No, if you want to try again, it will be without touching me. If we can succeed there consistently, then perhaps I may be swayed. Else, you'll need to build a fail-safe before we try this again.

[Newt dropped his glare to his own lap, guilty, remorseful. Yeah, ok, he shouldn't have pushed Hermann so hard. He just...forgot the world when he was with Hermann. Like he was wearing blinders; it was dumb, so easy to get caught up in their own world. But he had been reckless, okay, he could agree there. That didn't mean he was happy with Hermann's rules.]

Fail-safe, Hermann? What do you want? An off-switch for my brain?

And you might recall--you touched me.

[The edge of his temper wanes with that concession, and he relaxes his hands from his chest where they unconsciously rub and clasp together.]

Yes, before I was aware it would worsen the situation. Had I known that, we could have begun with attempting thought sharing in such a fashion.

For a fail-safe, it just needs to be something that could snap us back to the present. A timed sensory trigger perhaps.

Edited 2015-09-10 05:36 (UTC)

[Newt sniffle-laughs and wipes at his eyes.] A timed sensory trigger. You nerd. You want me to cue up Edith Piaf for you? [But seriously, what could they use? Newt flopped over on the couch and regretted tossing away the pillow now. He wanted something to hold and suddenly missed the plush monsters that resided on his bed around the time of that memory.]

Well, we could use a headset. Not like I really heard you when I was deep in the RABIT hole, but I could see a loud noise or--[Gasp! He waved a finger at Hermann as an idea struck] --or a shock! We could zap ourselves! Like one of those dumb flyswatters? Short jolt and we're out? I'm sure we could rig it to be timed...! Two minutes then...

[Pause.] ...Herm. [Newt nudged him in the foot with the toe of his boot.] You okay? I-I didn't mean for you to see all that. ...I'm sorry.

[And somehow he was here, seriously considering allowing Newton to rig an electrical charge to shock him in the name of science.

Hermann glanced over, the outpouring of concern unexpected. He rubbed at his eyes again]

Yes, yes, I'm fine. I was simply.. overwhelmed. There's no need to apologize. Our lives and families are far from perfect, and I suspect it won't be the last time it's unintentionally showcased through our connection.

And much as it pains me, the shock does sound promising. Unfortunately, I doubt we'd respond to an auditory alarm.

I promise to be gentle, Herms. [He couldn't believe Hermann was agreeing to this. Newt expected to be shot down. Granted, he didn't think Hermann had a better idea, but when had that EVER stopped him from shooting down one of Newt's?

He was quiet a bit, staring up at Hermann's ceiling, making patterns out of nothing.]

Speaking of our imperfect families... Funny story. Monica wanted to meet the "illustrious Dr. Gottlieb," once, when you were both in Sydney. [A sly smile.] I never did forward her request.

[Hermann blinked, because that's news to him. He almost felt bad for a moment, because there was a time he would've liked to meet her- up until all of ten minutes ago. Except that wasn't quite true, because he wanted to meet her now if only to tell her in no uncertain terms just how terrible of a mother she is. Not the meeting she'd be hoping for, he's sure]

She doesn't deserve you, Newton. Should that meeting ever take place, I'd be sure to inform her as such.

I'm tempted to hug you for that, Herm. [That defense of him was embarrassingly meaningful and Newt couldn't even look at him. It kind of hurt to think he had needed to be told that, and hurt, too, to reveal this aspect of himself to Hermann in the first place.]

But, don't...yell at her, I mean. She's my mom, she's not a great one, but she's the one I've got. I love her. Just let me be an awful, stingy son and not share my friends and crap.

So long as you don't use it as a ploy to drag me into your memories.

[And while it was very tempting to make no such promise, Hermann nodded all the same.]

Fair enough. For your sake, I'll contain myself should any chance meeting occur.

[He'd certainly told his father what he'd thought of him in their argument about the coastal wall, but then Newton was a more forgiving soul than he'd ever be.]

[He had meant it, but said it somewhat flippantly and expected it to be taken as such. Newt was still not used to the current state of their relationship as Best Friends where hugs were a thing that conceivably happened and where he had a somewhat open invitation to Hermann's apartment.]

Wait, wait. You're actually agreeing to let me hug you? [He edged over a little to Hermann's side of the sofa.] Wonders will never cease.

[He hadn't meant for Newton to read into his tacit acquiescence. And while he truly was not opposed to the contact, it suddenly felt like an awkward, weighty subject he shouldn't have mentioned for the sake of conversation.

Had he misread something somewhere? Weeks later and their boundaries were still shifting. If only their relationship would conform to a readable graph.

Hermann eyed Newton with sudden apprehension, like his approach signified something more than a casual exchange of contact]

I wasn't aware you needed explicit permission.

Consent, Hermann, is a wonderful thing. But I'm...taking that as consent. [Frown.] I guess. Sorry. Am I making this weird? I'm making this weird. I'm. Just. Going to...Go ahead and. Hug you before you change your mind.

[With some awkwardness in part because they were both sitting, and because now he had effectively made this weird, Newt scooted out to get a better angle and reached over, putting his arms around Hermann, giving him a firm squeeze and a pat on the back and before releasing him.] Thanks.

[It was strange; stilted, unnecessarily awkward. They'd embraced half a dozen times more comfortably than this. Still, he managed a brief return pat before Newton withdrew]

Of course. That's what friends are meant to do. [Support and the odd awkward embrace apparently] ..I believe it also means you don't need to stand on formality any longer.

[Newt gave a small laugh. Hermann! Forfeiting formalities! For him! Not that Newt had ever regularly or consistently followed that, but it still caught himhim a little by surprise when this Best Friendship went both ways.]

You're right, you're totally right--I mean now, about that, not all the time, you know what, let's just say forget that. Point is, that was a crappy hug. You definitely deserved better.

[He leaned in for another hug, a proper best friend hug.]

[Truthfully, he'd dropped the formalities around Newton little by little over the years, but it was only now that he acknowledged it and dropped the last, previously unspoken barrier. The man was closer than his own family had been for years.

This time, he has time to return the embrace and though the position is still a bit awkward, he managed to get both arms around Newton properly this time and pat him on the back. And yes, it was-- nice. He let him go with a smile.]

Well if that's the only admission I'll ever get out of you, then I suppose I'll have to savor it.

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